i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
