Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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