I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
