We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
