Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
