He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
