what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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