Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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