I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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