my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
