I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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