We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
