I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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