someone threw a dead crab at me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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