We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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