I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
