It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
