So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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