I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize