Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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