how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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