you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize