I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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