you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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