Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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