I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
