There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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