i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
