On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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