if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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