the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
