Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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