Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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