Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
