I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
