I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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