You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize