ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
