oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
