I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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