Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
