I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
