My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
