Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
