I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
