Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
