man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
