the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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