You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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