nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
