the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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