hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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