Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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