I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
