I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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