I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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