i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
