What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
