i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
